In a world with so many people, so many difference, so many faces, so many names, so much everything, I still feel very much desolated without you. The close of another year and I'm another year without you. I didn't think this would ever happen, yet it has. I miss you profoundly. As the days pass I do accept your evanescence. I think at times I feel you near me. Am I just imagining things? I think at times I hear you speaking to me. I hear you tell me things. I wonder if you're looking down watching my life? Do you approve? Sometimes I hear you say things to me and I swear it's just you and I in the room. I remember when we were younger you used to comfort me. Through all my pains and suffering, you were there for me. I don't cry for you as much as I used to. Is that wrong? Could it be acceptance is slowly entering my heart?
I always thought you'd be around for my wedding. That you'd be sitting in the crowd happy for the man that I chose. I always thought you'd be around for the birth of my children. That you'd be sitting in the hospital next to my bed holding my hand, coaching me on breathing. You're time was cut short and I'm not mad at GOD anymore. I understand he had a plan.
My world has factually been different since you've been gone. I've fallen in love and I know you know that. It's a tough love too. I always thought my second time around at love would be different and way easier. Boy was I misconstrued!!!! The love I'm in is some hard ass work. I love him so much but I constantly wonder if my love is reciprocated. I want to marry this man, have children with him, and spend the rest of my life with him but I'm constantly worried one day he won't be around. Everything that I love about him scares me. Sometimes everything with us is so perfect and sometimes everything with us is so painful. I don't know how to get past it. I suggested couples therapy but he's against it. I don't doubt he loves me, just sometimes I want more. I want him to be more comforting, less selfish, more understanding, less critical, more loving, less judgmental. He's not a bad guy, he's not a mean guy. Yes he's different. Sometimes I'm so happy when I'm with him and other times I feel like maybe he's happier without me. I can't get him to do anything with my besides a movie and dinner because of my weight. Yes it hurts but I've come to terms with it. He won't have sex with me because he's not happy with my body. Yes it hurts but I've come to terms with it. I wonder sometimes I will he stray because I can't give him what he wants. I never wished to be skinny. I've always been so happy and in love with myself but since I fell in love with him, I wish for skinny. He watches porn and I get so jealous. Jealous because I can't give him something that will make him so happy. He's ashamed to go outside with me and I know that's why he doesn't want to meet my friends and that's why we stay home so much. I've never been with someone who has ever been ashamed of me. He's different from any guy I've ever been with. He's less affectionate, less loving, less comforting, more aggressive, more and less so many things. He doesn't kiss me, he doesn't touch me. But I love him so much. I love that he's strong, I love that he's motivating, I love that he's smart, I love that he can make me laugh, I love that he's just a big picture thinker, I love his ambition, I love his goals, I love that he's accepted somethings when it comes to me that he may have never with someone else. I want him to love me unconditionally. I want him to love me for who I am today, right here and now. If I lost the weight I know he'll love me more but I don't want him to love me for being smaller.
I don't know what will come of us but I do have high hopes!!!!
